Wanted - Shooting crew for a new daily soap

After failed stints as a software engineer and an MBA aspirant, I'm planning to pursue a new career, that of a TV soap producer. I know this is a thankless field, lots of hard work with not much ROI, but the pleasure which the viewers of my soap will get, the appreciation which they will shower on me will be enough for me to carry on this altruistic work. Here are the current requirements and the briefs for the show. I want a fresh approach and thus I'm building everything from scratch. If you meet any or all of these requirements, please comment or mail me.

Editor: One who is experienced in rewinding and forwarding film endlessly, so that the viewer is continuously bombarded with the latest fashion, the dialogues, the locations etc. Your responsibility is to think up of ways to expand 5 minutes of footage into some 12.5 minutes of an episode. Also, while editing, the following division of the 30 minutes will be preferred:-

• 5 minutes recap of the previous day's episode
  
• 7.5 minutes of ads
• 12.5 minutes of today's episode
• 5 minutes preview of next day's episode

Camera Crew: One who is adept at the techniques of zooming and panning. Only candidates who have relevant experience in this may apply. Tilting the camera sideways to show the metaphorical earthquakes in the lives of the characters will be (to take a phrase from Midnight's Children) a masterful stroke, yaara. Experience in multiple camera setups (so that the zooming can be done in parallel) will be a bonus point.
Warning: Constant zooming in and out can lead to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome for the cameramen and epileptic seizures for the viewers. The producers are not responsible for any damages that may arise due to the same. After all, we wouldn't be making this soap if we cared so much about the viewers.

Post production & Special Effects: Since most of the special effects will be taken care of by the makeup artistes, we do not require a Silicon Graphics setup. However, talks are in progress with Industrial Light and Magic for the special effects. Ours will be the first Indian television programme to use Hollywood-style special effects. Not even the world famous The Bald and the Bootyful have used such effects. But for now, the applicant must be deft in tweaking the hue and saturation of the characters especially after shocking revelations. e.g.

Man: I'm about to become the father of your child.
Woman: What?! [Zoom, Pan to the woman. Decrease saturation. Turn the whole scene to black and white. Stay for two seconds. Increase saturation. Again back to normal.]

This all has to be done with split-second precision. Thus you will have a very important responsibility of adding colour to the lives of the characters (and removing that from the lives of the viewers).

Make-up artistes: The entire operation hinges on the make-up artistes. For most of the scenes, only two palettes will be required - the Vamp palette and the Bahurani palette. The former should contain blues, greens, browns etc. and the latter should contain pink, red, and other soft colours. At any point of time, the characters must not be without makeup, be it just after waking up, after taking a bath, or after giving birth to a child. We want to show that the bahuranis are beautiful naturally and don't require any makeup.

We have an arrangment with KaKool Hair & Beauty Saloon (Goregaon branch) for providing foundation cakes and hair colour at a discounted rate. So liberal use of the same is encouraged. Innovative techniques such as using chili powder for the maangtikaas will do wonders to improving your chances for selection. The chili power will not only subsidise our costs, but will also make the bahuranis cry with more ease when the powder drips onto their eyes or nose.

Costume Designers: Just like the make-up palette, the fashion wardrobe will be divided into two types. One - loud, revealing, outrageous dresses for the vamps and the other - conservative, covered-from-head-to-toe kind of dresses. Other accessories such as jewelery should follow the same trend. Bindis in the shape of hearts, clubs, diamonds, spades, snakes, ladders etc. will be preferred for the vamps. Bahuranis will have round bindis.

The vamps will use the latest mobile phones to hatch their subversive plots on the innocent bahuranis and jamairajas. The bigger the cellphone the better. According to currently running soaps, the Nokia Communicator series is preferred. Good news: we have tied up with MTNL to provide the ringtones for all the mobile phones used in the programme. Thus, the phrase 'MTNL hai to behtar hai' will play out every time a mobile rings. Actors and crew members are expected to show their allegiance by replacing their favourite ringtones with this one. Again, to subsidise costs, we may replace the actual phone by using a dummy or even a compass box. We will assume that the audience is foolish enough not to know the difference (after all it is watching this show). For the bahuranis, the accessories will include sitars, harmoniums and/or cooking utensils.

Writer: You are the one of the most important crew members. The entire story depends on your fertile mind. You will be expected to provide innumerable twists and turns, ups and downs, lefts and rights to the story. Writing the story while commuting on Mumbai roads will provide natural inspiration. Keep in mind that the story should start out as something and end out something completely different. That will be a true test of your creativity.

While you're free to explore different genres, the storyline of our programme will be a combination of - A suitable boy (Vikram Seth), Autobiography of a Yogi (Paramhansa Yogananda), Morning, Noon and Night (Sidney Sheldon) and I, Robot (Isaac Asimov). Please submit a sample of your writing while applying so we can gauge your writing expanse.

Sound editor: Your responsibility will be to provide a background score keeping in mind the events on screen. Your musical canvas must include thunder, lightning, drum rolls, high hats. Think of it as a jugalbandhi with the constant zooming and panning of the camera crew. You don't need to be a Rahman but don't be a Reshammiya either.

Director: You will be responsible for converting the writer's regurgitations dream to the screen. You must be assertive. You must be be willing to enforce discipline on the crew members. Conflicts on set must be handled with finesse. The current trend is to just threaten to bump off the character in the soap. We will modify this technique by making the character go in to an indefinite coma. We have specially erected a hospital set for the same. However this technique doesn't work for off-screen crew members. Innovative suggestions are welcome.

That's all for now. I will keep updating this list as and when I hire and fire people. Bookmark it for the latest updates. The title of our programme hasn't been finalised, but going by current trends, it will start with a Kk (Yes, that's a letter which is soon to be added in the English alphabet).

Update: My writer has just provided the first episode. Carry on reading the first episode