Wanted - Shooting crew for a new daily soap

After failed stints as a software engineer and an MBA aspirant, I'm planning to pursue a new career, that of a TV soap producer. I know this is a thankless field, lots of hard work with not much ROI, but the pleasure which the viewers of my soap will get, the appreciation which they will shower on me will be enough for me to carry on this altruistic work. Here are the current requirements and the briefs for the show. I want a fresh approach and thus I'm building everything from scratch. If you meet any or all of these requirements, please comment or mail me.

Editor: One who is experienced in rewinding and forwarding film endlessly, so that the viewer is continuously bombarded with the latest fashion, the dialogues, the locations etc. Your responsibility is to think up of ways to expand 5 minutes of footage into some 12.5 minutes of an episode. Also, while editing, the following division of the 30 minutes will be preferred:-

• 5 minutes recap of the previous day's episode
  
• 7.5 minutes of ads
• 12.5 minutes of today's episode
• 5 minutes preview of next day's episode

Camera Crew: One who is adept at the techniques of zooming and panning. Only candidates who have relevant experience in this may apply. Tilting the camera sideways to show the metaphorical earthquakes in the lives of the characters will be (to take a phrase from Midnight's Children) a masterful stroke, yaara. Experience in multiple camera setups (so that the zooming can be done in parallel) will be a bonus point.
Warning: Constant zooming in and out can lead to Carpal Tunnel Syndrome for the cameramen and epileptic seizures for the viewers. The producers are not responsible for any damages that may arise due to the same. After all, we wouldn't be making this soap if we cared so much about the viewers.

Post production & Special Effects: Since most of the special effects will be taken care of by the makeup artistes, we do not require a Silicon Graphics setup. However, talks are in progress with Industrial Light and Magic for the special effects. Ours will be the first Indian television programme to use Hollywood-style special effects. Not even the world famous The Bald and the Bootyful have used such effects. But for now, the applicant must be deft in tweaking the hue and saturation of the characters especially after shocking revelations. e.g.

Man: I'm about to become the father of your child.
Woman: What?! [Zoom, Pan to the woman. Decrease saturation. Turn the whole scene to black and white. Stay for two seconds. Increase saturation. Again back to normal.]

This all has to be done with split-second precision. Thus you will have a very important responsibility of adding colour to the lives of the characters (and removing that from the lives of the viewers).

Make-up artistes: The entire operation hinges on the make-up artistes. For most of the scenes, only two palettes will be required - the Vamp palette and the Bahurani palette. The former should contain blues, greens, browns etc. and the latter should contain pink, red, and other soft colours. At any point of time, the characters must not be without makeup, be it just after waking up, after taking a bath, or after giving birth to a child. We want to show that the bahuranis are beautiful naturally and don't require any makeup.

We have an arrangment with KaKool Hair & Beauty Saloon (Goregaon branch) for providing foundation cakes and hair colour at a discounted rate. So liberal use of the same is encouraged. Innovative techniques such as using chili powder for the maangtikaas will do wonders to improving your chances for selection. The chili power will not only subsidise our costs, but will also make the bahuranis cry with more ease when the powder drips onto their eyes or nose.

Costume Designers: Just like the make-up palette, the fashion wardrobe will be divided into two types. One - loud, revealing, outrageous dresses for the vamps and the other - conservative, covered-from-head-to-toe kind of dresses. Other accessories such as jewelery should follow the same trend. Bindis in the shape of hearts, clubs, diamonds, spades, snakes, ladders etc. will be preferred for the vamps. Bahuranis will have round bindis.

The vamps will use the latest mobile phones to hatch their subversive plots on the innocent bahuranis and jamairajas. The bigger the cellphone the better. According to currently running soaps, the Nokia Communicator series is preferred. Good news: we have tied up with MTNL to provide the ringtones for all the mobile phones used in the programme. Thus, the phrase 'MTNL hai to behtar hai' will play out every time a mobile rings. Actors and crew members are expected to show their allegiance by replacing their favourite ringtones with this one. Again, to subsidise costs, we may replace the actual phone by using a dummy or even a compass box. We will assume that the audience is foolish enough not to know the difference (after all it is watching this show). For the bahuranis, the accessories will include sitars, harmoniums and/or cooking utensils.

Writer: You are the one of the most important crew members. The entire story depends on your fertile mind. You will be expected to provide innumerable twists and turns, ups and downs, lefts and rights to the story. Writing the story while commuting on Mumbai roads will provide natural inspiration. Keep in mind that the story should start out as something and end out something completely different. That will be a true test of your creativity.

While you're free to explore different genres, the storyline of our programme will be a combination of - A suitable boy (Vikram Seth), Autobiography of a Yogi (Paramhansa Yogananda), Morning, Noon and Night (Sidney Sheldon) and I, Robot (Isaac Asimov). Please submit a sample of your writing while applying so we can gauge your writing expanse.

Sound editor: Your responsibility will be to provide a background score keeping in mind the events on screen. Your musical canvas must include thunder, lightning, drum rolls, high hats. Think of it as a jugalbandhi with the constant zooming and panning of the camera crew. You don't need to be a Rahman but don't be a Reshammiya either.

Director: You will be responsible for converting the writer's regurgitations dream to the screen. You must be assertive. You must be be willing to enforce discipline on the crew members. Conflicts on set must be handled with finesse. The current trend is to just threaten to bump off the character in the soap. We will modify this technique by making the character go in to an indefinite coma. We have specially erected a hospital set for the same. However this technique doesn't work for off-screen crew members. Innovative suggestions are welcome.

That's all for now. I will keep updating this list as and when I hire and fire people. Bookmark it for the latest updates. The title of our programme hasn't been finalised, but going by current trends, it will start with a Kk (Yes, that's a letter which is soon to be added in the English alphabet).

Update: My writer has just provided the first episode. Carry on reading the first episode

Midnight's Children

Sigh. I finally finished reading Midnight's Children. I had taken up this book little less than a week ago. And what a journey it was. From the birth of Saleem Sinai on the stroke of midnight on August 15, 1947 to his encounters with various characters who shape his life (and whose life he shapes). The book is one of the wittiest I have ever read. The literal way in which events recur in Saleem's life is a very good metaphor for the cyclic nature of everyone's life and family. Another unique technique which I have never encountered before in any book is the author's use of shifting forth in time by revealing the fate of a certain character and then coming back and continuing with the original story. The exact opposite of building a suspense. However, this technique works beautifully and does not detract from the flow of the story. Moreover it adds a lot of wit to the narration. The way in which the author carries this out shows the confidence with which he writes. This was my first Salman Rushdie read and surely not the last.

Incidentally, this is the third book related to Mumbai which I have read within a year. The first two were Maximum City, and Shantaram. An involuntary obsession for a city I love, and if everything goes fine, then hopefully a city in which I will spend the next few years.

A Thinkpad taken apart

Not for the faint hearted.














A little cleaning behind the ears














Yes, it still works!

Where is the accountability of the Indian cricket team?

A nation of billion and the eleven of the most unaccountable chaps + 1 Aussie are selected to represent the country in (and bring back) the world cup. And what do they give us? Shattered dreams.

Both Rahul Dravid and Greg Chappell have washed their hands off the entire debacle by saying 'We are responsible.' Now to me, that is as obvious a statement one can make. We all know you are responsible. Give us something more. What you have said is the effect. Let us know the cause. Give us something more than 'We didn't play well enough.' Taking responsibility is fast becoming a fad. Previously, when teams lost a match or a series, there was some vague reason given for the bad performance. Nowadays, teams whole-heartedly agree that it was their responsibility. Saying that seems to release them from giving further safai. In the above-linked interview, Guru Greg blankly refuses to comment on the reasons for the early exit of the team from the world cup. The team won't say what Sehwag was doing in the playing eleven, they won't explain the complacency with which India played Bangladesh, they won't explain what certain players were doing in the dressing room outside the team. All they will say is that they are responsible.

Spiderman was taught that 'With greater power, comes great responsibility.' I would like to take this one step further by saying, 'Along with responsibility, comes accountability.' Accountability is when you explain the reasons what went wrong and why it went wrong. When the Guru says this to the press,

I am not employed by you people, I am employed by the BCCI. Obviously, I will have to face up to them and give them a report and give them some indications of what I think.

the first thing that comes to my mind (especially from the second sentence) is a meeting of the coach and the captain with the BCCI and the selection panel, press cameras trying to get a glimpse or a few sound bytes, and the meeting ending with the members slapping each other heartily on the back and having tea and biscuits. The report will lie neglected on the table until some secretary will push it among his files and then add it as yet another official document to be relegated in the shelves. Well, I'm digressing from the topic.

Almost half of the players have become amateurs comparing the time they spend on the cricket field and on the ramp or in front of cameras. Why do you want to dabble your hand in everything? Do your modeling/marketing in your free time, not at the cost of your cricket or at the cost of others who are working much harder to get a place in the team?

What can be done about the Indian cricket team now? I can just hope that the selectors send some of them into exile. Play some county cricket, then earn your place in the team again. The team cannot should not carry on players who are at the verge of retiring just to give them a graceful exit. Play as long as you want, but only if you're worth for the Indian team.

What can be done about the coach? Since the coach refuses to accept the failure of 'their' strategy, I don't know. Chappell once said that the team was aiming for the World Cup and thus he qualified the messing and the muddling of the members and their playing positions. Now he says:-

Eighteen months is not a long time to build a team.

How much more time do you need, Guru Greg?

There are a lot of unanswered questions in the minds of Indian fans. Its time for the BCCI to answer these questions. Its the least they can do for a country which stays up late after midnight to faithfully watch India win. Being the richest cricket board is nothing, being the best is everything.

Spam on Orkut

Sigh. What do you do when you get spam like this through Orkut? I have preserved the formatting.

Hi ...Orkut is deleting Profiles again
message: Dear user because of
sudden rush of people signing upto orkut is come to an attention
that we
are vastly running our of resources so with in a week any one who
does not receive this scrap will be deleted of our server . We know
that you are still using this account We want to find out which
users
are actually using their orkut accounts so if you are using your
then please send this scrap to every orkut user that you can if u do
not pass this scrap to anyone then we will delete your account
Just
follow these simple steps. 1. Click on the "Messages Tab" in your
account. 2. Click on the "compose mail" option which is the last one
of
the four icons you see together. 3. Select "all friends" 4. Cut and
Paste this mail.

And this...

HEY ITS DIANNA, FROM THE DIRECTOR OF ORKUT,EVERYBODY SORRY FOR THE
INTERRUPTION BUT ORKUT IS CLOSING THE SYSTEM DOWN BECAUSE TOO MANY
BOTTERS ARE TAKING UP ALL THE NAMES, WE ONLY HAVE 57 NAMES LEFT, IF YOU
WOULD LIKE TO CLOSE YOUR ACCOUNT, DONT SEND THIS MESSAGE, IF YOU WANT
TO
KEEP YOUR ACCOUNT ,SEND THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE ON YOUR LIST. THIS IS
NOT A JOKE, YOU'LL BE SORRY IF YOU DONT SEND IT. THANKS DIRECTOR OF
ORKUT, TIM BUISKI. WHOEVER DOESNT SEND THIS MESSAGE, YOUR ACCOUNT WILL
BE
DEACTIVATED AND IT WILL COST YOU $ 10.00 A MONTH TO USE IT


C'mon people, do you think a company which gives you almost 3GB of space for free will suddenly run out of resources?! Sheesh, grow up. But then that's the problem. The people who send such mails won't ever read my blog, and those who read my blog (hopefully) won't ever send such mails.

World Cup Fever

Well, this World Cup seems to be a bit dull what with the odd timings of the matches for people living in India. I don't have the patience or energy to watch TV late into the night, almost into the next day. Maybe, if India reaches the semis, which looks really tough right now. Anyways a few snippets from the India-Bermuda match:-

• First and foremost, move over Inzy. The new aloo is here. I'm talking about Dwayne Leverock who took a blinder of a catch in the India-Bermuda match. The man just stretched out and gulped Robin Uthappa down. An brilliant catch considering his size and experience. The way he ran between the wickets was another sight to watch. He wasn't lazy. He gave it all. Nice maan! He is now among the top 5 players searched on CricInfo. On a side note, he is a policeman in his country. Guess the pandus everywhere are hefty.
  Bermudan coach Gus Logie has this to say about Leverock. "He is a guy with a big heart, he will always give 100 per cent and be first at training, it's just unfortunate that the weight issues take precedence."
  
  
• What I was really impressed with was the fielding of the Bermudans. For a team with around 4-5 Powar-sized players, they were surprisingly agile and enthusiastic. They slid and dived. They dropped catches but they tried.
  
  
• Tendulkar was wasted in the match. The Indian team was probably scared to death about losing against Bermuda and so they strengthened their middle order but sending Tendulkar this late wasn't required. Rather they should have sent him before Dhoni. Anyways, another excellent show by Dada, he really seems to have come back refreshed from his exile. Sehwag, one century doesn't a champion make. So you'll have to do better than a century against Bermuda to impress me. I don't understand why Dravid is so keen on playing Sehwag again and again. The law of averages finally helped Sehwag. But what about the other 15 matches where he got out for a measly score? His batting average in the last 16 matches is 22.73. His highest score was the one against Bermuda. He score more than 20 runs only two other times. You still believe in Sehwag? Lage raho.
  
  
• The World Cup has not been that exciting this year. Even though there are more teams and no clear favourites, it hasn't kindled the usual enthusiasm of the people. One reason I feel is that the value of the Cricket World Cup has been diluted because of other tournaments like ICC Champions Trophy. I do not feel the need for a 'mini World Cup'. According to ICC, it is required for the development of cricket. I do not understand this logic. Rather than have another tournament mirroring the World Cup, ICC should hold a tournament for the so-called minnows. Let them fight it out every two years or so, and decide which teams will play the World Cup. The winner of this 'Cricket Development Trophy' should get sufficient funds/resources/help in developing cricket in its country. That, I feel, will do more for cricket than burdening all the players and teams with a mini World Cup.
  

Looking forward to the next encounter with Sri Lanka. Lets see how they handle Murali and company.

World Cup Fever

Well, this World Cup seems to be a bit dull what with the odd timings of the matches for people living in India. I don't have the patience or energy to watch TV late into the night, almost into the next day. Maybe, if India reaches the semis, which looks really tough right now. Anyways a few snippets from the India-Bermuda match:-

• First and foremost, move over Inzy. The new aloo is here. I'm talking about Dwayne Leverock who took a blinder of a catch in the India-Bermuda match. The man just stretched out and gulped Robin Uthappa down. An brilliant catch considering his size and experience. The way he ran between the wickets was another sight to watch. He wasn't lazy. He gave it all. Nice maan! He is now among the top 5 players searched on CricInfo. On a side note, he is a policeman in his country. Guess the pandus everywhere are hefty.
  Bermudan coach Gus Logie has this to say about Leverock. "He is a guy with a big heart, he will always give 100 per cent and be first at training, it's just unfortunate that the weight issues take precedence."
  
  
• What I was really impressed with was the fielding of the Bermudans. For a team with around 4-5 Powar-sized players, they were surprisingly agile and enthusiastic. They slid and dived. They dropped catches but they tried.
  
  
• Tendulkar was wasted in the match. The Indian team was probably scared to death about losing against Bermuda and so they strengthened their middle order but sending Tendulkar this late wasn't required. Rather they should have sent him before Dhoni. Anyways, another excellent show by Dada, he really seems to have come back refreshed from his exile. Sehwag, one century doesn't a champion make. So you'll have to do better than a century against Bermuda to impress me. I don't understand why Dravid is so keen on playing Sehwag again and again. The law of averages finally helped Sehwag. But what about the other 15 matches where he got out for a measly score? His batting average in the last 16 matches is 22.73. His highest score was the one against Bermuda. He score more than 20 runs only two other times. You still believe in Sehwag? Lage raho.
  
  
• The World Cup has not been that exciting this year. Even though there are more teams and no clear favourites, it hasn't kindled the usual enthusiasm of the people. One reason I feel is that the value of the Cricket World Cup has been diluted because of other tournaments like ICC Champions Trophy. I do not feel the need for a 'mini World Cup'. According to ICC, it is required for the development of cricket. I do not understand this logic. Rather than have another tournament mirroring the World Cup, ICC should hold a tournament for the so-called minnows. Let them fight it out every two years or so, and decide which teams will play the World Cup. The winner of this 'Cricket Development Trophy' should get sufficient funds/resources/help in developing cricket in its country. That, I feel, will do more for cricket than burdening all the players and teams with a mini World Cup.
  

Looking forward to the next encounter with Sri Lanka. Lets see how they handle Murali and company.

Allocation for education increases

"In allocating resources, school education must have primacy. Hence I propose to increase the allocation for school education by about 35 percent from Rs. 17,1333 crore in 2006-07 to Rs. 23,142 crore in 2007-08"Hmm. Wonder where the money will actually go...

Had made this image a long time ago. Uploaded it now. Must be more prompt in future.

300 - March to glory

Just saw 300, the movie based on the comic book by Frank Miller. The story is about 300 Spartans who fight against the huge army of Xerxes, a Persian king. It is based on the battle of Thermopylae, though both Frank Miller (in his comic) and Jack Snyder (in the film) have tweaked it to make it more stylistic. I haven't read the comic yet but I know of Frank Miller's Sin City (which too was made into a movie by Robert Rodrigues of Desperado fame). His comic book style is - for the less comically inclined - Max Payne style. Stark, high contrast, two colour work. The trailer of the movie will be enough to get you to line up for the tickets. Though I must warn here that the movie is beautiful but is not like the typical Hollywood movie. There is enough violence in the movie but people expecting stuff like Gladiator will be disappointed. One needs some patience to sit through the movie. The good part is that there is something for almost everyone. If you're a fan of Frank Miller's style, then you'll like the way that Jack Snyder has been faithful to the comic book. If you're a fan of CGI, you'll absolutely love the landscapes. The movie was entirely shot on blue/green screen with the backgrounds added later on. If you like war, you'll like the 300 men fighting against the 'hundred nations of the Persian empire'. And to top it all, the soundtrack highly complements the action on screen.

This movie is likely to become a cult favourite like the Matrix or the LOTR trilogy. Though a sequel seems improbable, lets hope that Frank Miller comes up with another equally interesting story to follow up on this amazing movie.

PS. One thing though, watch this movie with your friends. If you have a girlfriend don't take her to this movie. She'll berate you for the same all your life. Instead treat her to some half-baked movie like Honeymoon Travels or Just Married. Then you can berate her for all your life.

Update: The only thing I didn't like about the movie were the cliched speeches. Some samples - "This is where we fight. This is where they die", "Remember this day, men, for it will be yours for all time". Another thing I found unnecessary was the narration It was really irritating. Yes, the whole story was written from the point of view of Dilios narrating the epic battle. But it could have been avoided in the movie.

The two World Cups

This weekend, two of the biggest sporting events (for me) are starting. First the Cricket World Cup. Technically it has already started but the first match of India is on the 17th. And second, the 2007 Formula One season is starting at the same time with the first race on the 18th in Australia. This year there are quite a few similarities between these two sports. With the retirement of Michael Schumacher the F1 championship is open. You can always argue that other drivers had already taken his position. But it was only on a bad day for Schumacher or due to technical failure in the car. The grit and determination of the man was unmatchable.

Many changes have been made in this year's championship. Rules have been changed concerning safety cars, practice sessions, tire availability etc. Bridgestone will be the sole tire supplier this year. Those of who complained about tires being the most important thing in the race and downplayed the achievement and skill of drivers can now shut up. Sadly there will be no close contests between Alonso and Schumacher. The latter will be though racing through each track in his mind. The shifting of the drivers between teams is also going to be interesting. No more Montoya for McLaren. In fact he has retired from F1 and gone to Nascar. Alonso takes his place. Raikonnen has similarly shifted from McLaren to Ferrari. He will partner upcoming driver F. Massa. (Hoping for a good run from Massa this year. He showed some potential last year.) As far as teams are concerned, I guess at the beginning of the season the three top teams are likely to be Ferrari, Renault and McLaren (in no particular order). Lets see how the season picks up.

My picks for the drivers championship - Alonso, Raikonnen, and maybe Fisichella. Even Jenson Button is lurking in the shadows.

The similarity with the Cricket World Cup is that again here Australia is no longer the clear favourites. Seeing the recent performance of the Aussie team, it seems that many other teams can win over the world champions on a good day. Ricky Ponting will have his hands full this year. Preaching about the Indian team is like talking to a child who doesn't listen. The same old people making the same old mistakes. I could write a lot about the cricket team but I'll just shut my mouth and watch the matches. Dada, a lot depends on you now. You have a thing or two to prove.

Adios to one and All the best to the other two.

Man who would be God

Here's a simple test for the person who is claiming to be God. Give him a wildcard entry to Kaun Banega Crorepati. Let's see if he clears the fastest finger first round. If he doesn't let him go back to his job (if he still has it). If he does, at least the money will cure some of his delusion.

The changing colours of India

While passing through the main bazaar road of Vapi, I saw many shops selling Holi wares - water guns, gulal, colour powders etc. Children were pestering their parents to buy the latest water guns and choicest colours to spray on their friends. What was interesting is that most of these shops are divided into two areas, an inner area which is the main shop, where they sell their usual stuff; and an outer temporary stall where they sell certain things according to the season. In Diwali, the colours are replaced by fire-crackers; in Ganesh Chaturthi, idols of Ganapati are placed; in the monsoon, umbrellas hang out in the shops. Also its not that only a certain kind of shops use this strategy. Among the ones I saw were a mobile shop, a cosmetics store, an electrical store, even the old Writer stores which usually sells mouse traps among other things. It is interesting to see the owners (cleverly) supplement their income through these temporary stalls. Seeing the changing facade of these shops gives a fleeting glimpse of the changing colours of the festivals of India.